I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
