You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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