just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
