I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
