All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"