you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
