so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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