I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
