I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My cat gives me a boner
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I did not marry a roomba.
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