You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
