he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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