I'm laying in your front yard are you home
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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