you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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