Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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