As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
