Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
