When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
