omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
