Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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