she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
