im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
