I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
