I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
