jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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