There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
