Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
