I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
