it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
