I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You are the jesus of drinking
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
