4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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