I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
