I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We were destined to go to rehab together
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize