apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
