bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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