it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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