Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
