Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
