she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
