So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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