My hand turned me down
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
