Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
