I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
