If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize