and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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