Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
