my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
