Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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