I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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