I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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