Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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