so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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