I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
