well I can't set my house on fire every night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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