Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize