Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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