I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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